Behind the facade that is me, I've been feeling very down on a subconscious level for the last 2 days. It's not like i cannot function, just the sadness is constantly floating there. It made me sleep bad the last 2 nights.. I slept but kept getting jolted awake by dreams... I dreamt of other ppl's children. I dreamt of my friends getting bfps. I dreamt of my friend giving birth. And one image that was ingrained on my mind was the one I saw when I opened the bedroom door to my BFF's confinement Center. It was a very very nice and luxurious one btw.

On Friday I went to visit her and when I went it I saw her hugging her baby so closely and protectively. I felt very happy and full of love for her. But at the same times it made me feel like melting into a mess on the floor. When I close my eyes I keep seeing her like that and it made me really scared that this would never be me.
Will I ever succeed? Will we be childless? What if we fail? It's easy to say I can live with it but if I really slow down and think hard, I will live a very miserable life, subconsciously. Because consciously we human beings can control what and how we wana feel. We can feel positive if we keep telling ourselves to but subconsciously we cannot control it. It's an honest feeling.
Perhaps also coupled with the not so good news at my 2nd Dr's appt, I felt a bit hopeless although I know to treat it with 平常心. But how to be 平常心 when the scans show you that ur body is declining. From my 1st ivf until now my results have been going downhill despite my attempts to eat better and exercise more. It is not much different from the last time other than fewer follicles responding, and that my L ovary is not responding at all. 😭 my only hope now is quality because at this stage we can't know what it is like.

I'm so tired.

Then at the tcm next door, the very kind Dr chatted to me while inserting needles for acupuncture. I seldom feel sorry for myself, but yesterday I did 😂
"Is it painful?" - because of my condition she said she'd use a longer needle to reach nearer to my ovaries and focus even more on the abdomen area.

I told her I'm used to it already.

"Who does your jabs?"

It used to be my husband but this time I did them all myself.
"Looks like you really have a high tolerance for needles"

If you only knew, woman. I used to be scared of a the sight of a needle. But now it's really 家常便饭.

"Were the meds very hard to drink for you?" -Again cuz of my scans she had to increase my dosage by another 10g each time.

It is. I still dread the hour when I have to take the tcm meds. Makes me gag. But do I have a choiceeee.

I'm not saying I'm annoyed by her. She was just trying to make conversation to make me more relaxed.
So last night I went back and sobbed to my hubs... why am I so 可怜??? Why is our whole life not smooth? 😂😂 Now I'm like takings meds almost every 2 hours (cuz tcm and western meds need to be taken 1 hr apart altho like last night I didn't. Or else no need to sleep liao. Just sit in the living room waiting for time to take meds).

I'm really so scared that this would fail. I'm so scared that I'll never live to have a moment like what my BFF did- hugging and kissing my own baby protectively.
Surely I'm not destined to always look and admire/envy? Surely I'm not destined to only give and never receive? 😭😭 Why do I not deserve any blessings?

This first hurdle of acquiring healthy embryos is also so hard to past... many ppl have told me they'll pray for me. But do prayers really work? Or maybe they say only?

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