Not Going Home for Chinese New Year

Mr. S and I just came back from spending a weekend in our hometown. Before this, I had still been considering whether we should go back for Chinese New Year, but looks like now this decision has been taken out of my hands.

My father revealed that my sister will be giving birth and doing her confinement then.

I didn't even know she was pregnant. Naturally, the decision has been made for me. I will NOT go back and torture myself. Why waste my holidays putting on a face I am not feeling? I also dread my MIL asking me about my sister and her kids, but this is something I cannot avoid either way.

Anyone would think that I am not a filial daughter - one who doesn't look forward to going home to see my parents/family (with the exception of my grandmother. She single-handedly brought me up, although she was illiterate, and I used to wish she was my mother, because she was my constant source of love). But my relationship with my parents are quite unlike what most people have. Each time I go home, I come back with less self-worth.

No doubt they worked hard to provide for our big family, but I've always wondered, if you cannot afford it, why do you want so many kids? I know for a fact that my mother thinks of children as investments, but obviously, this is a very stupid and selfish reason to have kids. What we have was quantity, not quality. And with that, came unfairness and unhealthy competition among us siblings. 

This weekend, after not seeing my father for months, the first thing he did was badmouthed my best friend's father, and he doesn't even know him personally. This made me just shut him out. Should we not be talking about us? Is that not the point of catching up? But no, he went on to talk about my sisters (that's when I found out), and their achievements. It got me angrier because I am what I am today because of them. They had forced me to study something I didn't want simply because it was free. And today I am still paying for the bond, with a piece of pretty useless degree. I know I could have gone on and studied something else, but I have wasted 6 years of my life studying what they wanted me to, I cannot afford to spend more years of my life studying, not to mention that I cannot afford it on my own, short of making my husband pay for me. And now with my age, IVF comes first above anything else. So to say that I still blame them is an understatement because I am still a failure, and it's all thanks to them. After the lesson learned from my experience, my sisters all had their own choices, in public and private institutions. And today, whenever my parents tell me of their achievements and what not, I feel bitter and resentful for their insensitivity. 

This insensitivity extends to TTC. Of course, I didn't tell them my struggles. But married for 7 years and still childless, there must either be some problem or a couple could have chosen to be childless by choice. Either way, it is very insensitive to keep talking about other people's children. I hate it when they do it. Can't we focus on just you and me? I really have no interest in other people's welfare at the moment, because we ourselves are fighting to stay afloat.

Another thing that affects our relationship is the fact that I suspect that they are secretly jealous of us. My husband worked hard for what we have now, and what we have now is more than what they have and what my sisters have (I think). Otherwise, I don't think we'd even be able to afford IVF. For that, I am very thankful to him, because everything I have today, is because of him. I used to share our vacation adventures etc with them, but my parents mostly have no genuine interest to hear us out, so I have since stopped. When we complain about a problem with the car, they said we are too used to luxury. But the fact is, the car is really in dire need of maintenance. 

During bad times, my husband and I have offered to help my sisters financially, although eventually they didn't need it. When we go out as a family, we are the ones always expected to pay. But I felt that whatever kindness we have given in the past, is not being given back to us as good karma. From now on, we will not be kind to them. As it is, they have enough blessings. We are the ones who need it more now. 

What does Mr. S say to all these?

He has witnessed first hand all that I have mentioned. We've had a few conversations about this, and here is his take on things. 

1. Communication

With my father, it has always been a one-way communication. He only wants to talk about what he wants to say, but seldom hears what is happening on our side. Suffice to say, they don't know much about our lives. Like the other day, he called me when I was in the middle of an insurance meeting. He complained to me about my sister not fetching my mom. I told him we will talk later when I'm back, but he continued as if I haven't spoken. He eventually only stopped after I told him the third time. He knows more about my sisters because he is proud of them and their achievements, unlike this useless daughter who is me, who depends only on my husband. I am this close to reminding them whose fault it was (I am very aware that I shouldn't be blaming them for anything - that is how society works). They also know more about my sisters because they visit them more to see their grandkids, something which is not applicable to this childless couple. To them, we are probably selfish people who only wants to enjoy life.

2. Quality over quantity

I don't think this is applicable to us. We cannot even have ONE child, let alone more than that. Sad case. But yes, we should focus on having a quality relationship with our child should we have one. And come to think of it, not having too many kids will minimize sibling rivalry. Don't be bias. To this day I still remember my dad comparing me with my sister in the car. Why can't I be smarter like her? Why can't I be more grounded (I am more creative than them)?

3. Support their Interests

Because ultimately at the end of the day, their life is their own. Forcing your own opinion and wants on them is just plain selfish. Like how I end up being nothing, no one. I had expressed my interest, but as always, they wet-blanketed me. Never, ever wet blanket your kids. It will only stop them telling you more. Not only that, I think my self-esteem suffered a lot as well, because growing up, their critical voice is always behind my mind in whatever I do.  I am always scared to do things, even now.

4. Listen

Listen, because you are not always right. Even today, when we argue with our parents, my mother will never accept that she is wrong. Not only that she will get angrier that you are saying she is wrong. What this has served to do is just shut out all communication between us. I feel reluctant and lazy to talk to them about anything at all. Because after all, they have no interest to listen, and there is always the possibility of being wet-blanketed. Sometimes it could be advice I guess, but the way they put it, it is like just criticizing our decisions.

5. Be genuinely happy and supportive

Apart from the fact that I suspect they are jealous of us because we are a bit better off financially, I can't really remember them feeling happy or proud of me, except during my dancing days, and that was also because of what other people have told them (I did not invite them to my performances). 

I've always told my husband how I feel bad for not doing more, or doing what a daughter should, although at the back of my mind, I know my sisters should be doing it more because they love them more. Other than the money and roof over our heads they have provided me with growing up, I don't feel I owe them a lot because hey, even the useless degree was a scholarship, one which I am still paying back for. As for love and care, it all came from my beloved grandmother. Even when we siblings fought, my parents took their side over mine. Only my grandmother always told me, it's OK, just be patient. How I miss her.

I am so thankful for Mr. S. Instead of criticizing me, he said he feels that I have done enough. I have done what I should, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for not doing enough. I am thankful that he agreed to not go back for Chinese New Year, although we both hope that it would be because I'm pregnant, not because we want to avoid my sister and her children. I am so grateful for my husband.