The Missus Diaries

I think in many cases, it is true. There are days when I feel so happy and positive and full of hope for the future, and others when I'm practically tipping of the edge of sanity. I know I will never let myself go back to that dark period - it is a conscious effort - but sometimes it's so hard especially when the ball is not in your court. Yesterday a friend contacted me. She has been through IVF a total of one time with many frozen embryos to spare, and a healthy baby boy. While I envy her, she is a nice person, so I have learned to live with it and continue our friendship. I know for a fact that she tries to be understanding, but if you've never been through it yourself, you will never know the fear of losing out, the fear of repetitive failure, until hope is almost lost. I know she is positive and wants me to be positive, but I cannot bring myself to believe a 100% that we definitely will succeed, because previous statistics has proven otherwise. She told me of a ...

Mr. S and I just came back from spending a weekend in our hometown. Before this, I had still been considering whether we should go back for Chinese New Year, but looks like now this decision has been taken out of my hands. My father revealed that my sister will be giving birth and doing her confinement then. I didn't even know she was pregnant. Naturally, the decision has been made for me. I will NOT go back and torture myself. Why waste my holidays putting on a face I am not feeling? I also dread my MIL asking me about my sister and her kids, but this is something I cannot avoid either way. Anyone would think that I am not a filial daughter - one who doesn't look forward to going home to see my parents/family (with the exception of my grandmother. She single-handedly brought me up, although she was illiterate, and I used to wish she was my mother, because she was my constant source of love). But my relationship with my parents are quite unlike what most people hav...

I got very mad at a situation, or I should say, a colleague yesterday. I am sure I am not the only one, but our reasons may differ. A colleague from the operations side asked the boss in the meeting if the company will be organizing a family day. He said it was a request from his staff. He always says that. Whenever there is a celebration - Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, Gawai, Christmas - he will be the one asking to have a party because "the operations staff wants it". We are really beginning to question if it is he who wants it. The most appalling thing is that he complains that he is always on the organizing committee. Excuse me, but this came out of your own mouth. I am maaaaad about his proposal because it is stirring up still waters. None of us brought the matter up because most of us did not enjoy it. And I, for one, is always dragged into the organizing committee because of the nature of my designation. If it is a voluntary event/committee, fine. I will not vol...

I thought I'd make a record for our 3rd IVF/ICSI before I forget about it. These days my memory is just really terrible. This is our 3rd IVF, 2nd in KL Fertility with Dr. Helena.  I had thought that third time would be the charm, but sad to say, that was not the case. Our second IVF did not yield very good results, with 9 eggs collected and only 1 made it to an 8-cell day 3 embryo. So Dr. Helena advised us to go for dual stimulation before the FET. It was quite painful on our pocket, because by the time we did this 3rd cycle, we were still paying for the installments from the 2nd cycle. Infertility is not only a tough and life-changing journey, it's an expensive... "disability" as well. Prior to doing this 3rd cycle, Mr. S and I spent almost 4 months eating healthy and changing our lifestyles. Like... I exercised more. We installed a water filter to avoid drinking bottled water. We ate mostly home cooked food (except for Mr. S's lunch at work) ...

Behind the facade that is me, I've been feeling very down on a subconscious level for the last 2 days. It's not like i cannot function, just the sadness is constantly floating there. It made me sleep bad the last 2 nights.. I slept but kept getting jolted awake by dreams... I dreamt of other ppl's children. I dreamt of my friends getting bfps. I dreamt of my friend giving birth. And one image that was ingrained on my mind was the one I saw when I opened the bedroom door to my BFF's confinement Center. It was a very very nice and luxurious one btw. On Friday I went to visit her and when I went it I saw her hugging her baby so closely and protectively. I felt very happy and full of love for her. But at the same times it made me feel like melting into a mess on the floor. When I close my eyes I keep seeing her like that and it made me really scared that this would never be me. Will I ever succeed? Will we be childless? What if we fail? It's easy to say I can l...