Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
I think in many cases, it is true.
There are days when I feel so happy and positive and full of hope for the future, and others when I'm practically tipping of the edge of sanity. I know I will never let myself go back to that dark period - it is a conscious effort - but sometimes it's so hard especially when the ball is not in your court.
Yesterday a friend contacted me. She has been through IVF a total of one time with many frozen embryos to spare, and a healthy baby boy. While I envy her, she is a nice person, so I have learned to live with it and continue our friendship. I know for a fact that she tries to be understanding, but if you've never been through it yourself, you will never know the fear of losing out, the fear of repetitive failure, until hope is almost lost. I know she is positive and wants me to be positive, but I cannot bring myself to believe a 100% that we definitely will succeed, because previous statistics has proven otherwise.
She told me of a mutual friend who also recently confided in her that she had fertility problems. This friend stays in the same neighborhood as I do. Perhaps she was hoping that I could connect with her? I don't know. But I knew I didn't want to know or have anything to do with her.
I have made friends online through the TTC community on dayre, and new physical friends in the past, only to get hurt over and over again when they get pregnant easily and left me behind. The same went with TTC friends. One by one, the shouted their pregnancy announcements, while I'm left putting on a smile and pretending that I am happy for them. Honestly, I'm not. Because I'm not the one pregnant. So after that last time, I decided that's it. I'm not making anymore friends who will potentially get pregnant. I surround myself with single people, or older married couples without children, because these are the people with less threat to my self-worth.
I do not intend to connect with this friend on this issue as well. If anything, I will move further, because for all I know, as soon as we connect, she will get pregnant, and I will be left picking up my pieces once again. I simply cannot allow myself to go back there. In things like that, I've come to realize that there is no right and wrong. I need to take control of my happiness, control what prevents me from breaking down again. No? Because other than your husband, no one really cares. And few would understand the pain. Like my friend said, maybe if I fail this FET, I should just move on without a child. It is something that I cannot fathom. I will be a failure for life. I told her given a choice, I would choose cancer over infertility. Because with cancer, there is an end. You eventually die, to the relief of everyone. But with infertility, it is a failure and a disability you need to endure for life, always putting on that face to face the world, knowing that you are living inside a vacuum of pain.
This morning, a different group of girls I met online (whom I've also met in real life) mentioned that one of them was going for IUI soon. Perhaps they sensed my lack of response, but they said soon it will be my turn. Instead of feeling comforted, my fear were heightened, because there is now expectation. And it serves also to heightened my expectation and hope, which will be dashed to pieces if it fails. I am so scared, you cannot imagine. At the moment, I am switching between feeling alright and feeling scared when I suddenly think of it, and then I'll tell myself, don't think about it, and the cycle goes on.
I wished no one had brought all these up to stir all those emotions. I don't know how some of these girls do it. They are so positive, always so happy for other people. I just cannot. :(
There are days when I feel so happy and positive and full of hope for the future, and others when I'm practically tipping of the edge of sanity. I know I will never let myself go back to that dark period - it is a conscious effort - but sometimes it's so hard especially when the ball is not in your court.
Yesterday a friend contacted me. She has been through IVF a total of one time with many frozen embryos to spare, and a healthy baby boy. While I envy her, she is a nice person, so I have learned to live with it and continue our friendship. I know for a fact that she tries to be understanding, but if you've never been through it yourself, you will never know the fear of losing out, the fear of repetitive failure, until hope is almost lost. I know she is positive and wants me to be positive, but I cannot bring myself to believe a 100% that we definitely will succeed, because previous statistics has proven otherwise.
She told me of a mutual friend who also recently confided in her that she had fertility problems. This friend stays in the same neighborhood as I do. Perhaps she was hoping that I could connect with her? I don't know. But I knew I didn't want to know or have anything to do with her.
I have made friends online through the TTC community on dayre, and new physical friends in the past, only to get hurt over and over again when they get pregnant easily and left me behind. The same went with TTC friends. One by one, the shouted their pregnancy announcements, while I'm left putting on a smile and pretending that I am happy for them. Honestly, I'm not. Because I'm not the one pregnant. So after that last time, I decided that's it. I'm not making anymore friends who will potentially get pregnant. I surround myself with single people, or older married couples without children, because these are the people with less threat to my self-worth.
I do not intend to connect with this friend on this issue as well. If anything, I will move further, because for all I know, as soon as we connect, she will get pregnant, and I will be left picking up my pieces once again. I simply cannot allow myself to go back there. In things like that, I've come to realize that there is no right and wrong. I need to take control of my happiness, control what prevents me from breaking down again. No? Because other than your husband, no one really cares. And few would understand the pain. Like my friend said, maybe if I fail this FET, I should just move on without a child. It is something that I cannot fathom. I will be a failure for life. I told her given a choice, I would choose cancer over infertility. Because with cancer, there is an end. You eventually die, to the relief of everyone. But with infertility, it is a failure and a disability you need to endure for life, always putting on that face to face the world, knowing that you are living inside a vacuum of pain.
This morning, a different group of girls I met online (whom I've also met in real life) mentioned that one of them was going for IUI soon. Perhaps they sensed my lack of response, but they said soon it will be my turn. Instead of feeling comforted, my fear were heightened, because there is now expectation. And it serves also to heightened my expectation and hope, which will be dashed to pieces if it fails. I am so scared, you cannot imagine. At the moment, I am switching between feeling alright and feeling scared when I suddenly think of it, and then I'll tell myself, don't think about it, and the cycle goes on.
I wished no one had brought all these up to stir all those emotions. I don't know how some of these girls do it. They are so positive, always so happy for other people. I just cannot. :(
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